PLEASE tell me I’m not the only one who’ll be completely obsessed with an author, blown away (pun intended), and then bam one word dries me up faster than the Sahara?

Let’s start with milking.

Like… is anyone else 98% visual and immediately sees a cow udder? No? Just me? WHY milking? I’ve personally never been mid-deed and heard that phrase out loud, but I think if I did, I would fully malfunction. I hope I could hold it together long enough to achieve the desired outcome of said milking… but I have doubts.

So, in an effort to find something anything less unhinged than “milking,” I’ve taken it upon myself to brainstorm some better options. Please enjoy my gift to the spice gods:

Milk Me

• Pull out my juices
• Drain the Vein
• Empty the Chamber
• Unload my gun.
• Clean the anaconda
• Snogg my log
• Balance my beam
• Jack my hammer
• Lap up my tap
• Water my Hose
• Clean my pipe

Folds

• Slit
• Flaps
• Drapes
• Slippery Center
• Origami of Lust
• Snatch
• Pages
• Clam